By Julianne Kallas
Every year, it seems the “holiday season” starts earlier and earlier. While it may be a little unexpected to see Christmas décor in July, it is always good to get a jump start on planning for the holidays if you are in a contentious co-parenting situation. Here are the top five things to remember as we start heading into the holiday season.
1: Know your parenting plan. It may seem simple, but making sure that you know which holidays your child is scheduled to spend with each parent is the first step toward a headache-free holiday. Not every family has an already agreed upon or court-ordered holiday schedule. The first step is knowing whether there is a court order in place establishing which parent is to spend time with the child or children, and, if so, what that schedule is. Sometimes the wording of a holiday schedule can be confusing, so it is best to get everyone on the same page early before everyone starts making plans with extended family members. It is important to know that you have to drop off your kids with their other parent at 2:00pm on Thanksgiving before you buy plane tickets to visit your family in Florida. Again, knowing what the parenting plan is will help you to identify any need you have to modify it and involve an attorney early on. It will also help you make plans if your other parent is notoriously inflexible. Ultimately, whatever holiday plan entered previously by the court will govern, but your co-parent is much more likely to agree to a modification if it is addressed early and in advance.
2: Know what’s worked and what hasn’t. The holidays should be a time of joy, so it’s important for you and your co-parent to understand what’s worked in the past, what hasn’t worked, and be flexible enough to modify plans to make things more enjoyable for everyone involved, especially the kids.
For example, in your parenting plan, your kids may stay with you on Christmas Eve and with your co-parent on Christmas Day. Perhaps your parenting plan “helpfully” appoints 8:00am as the pick-up time. Were your children ready to go last year at 8:00am or were they in the middle of opening their presents and upset at having to pack up and leave? Last Thanksgiving, did you have to leave in the middle of the big game to go and pick up your children? Looking at what was successful or difficult about past holidays can help you to spot what modifications should be discussed and considered. By discussing the need to change or modify holiday plans ahead of time based on what works and doesn’t work, you and your co-parent can make plans that allow for an easier and more enjoyable holiday for all.
3: Know about and discuss any large presents in advance. No parent wants to look like the villain at the holidays. That’s why we suggest you and your co-parent discuss gift-giving plans in advance, particularly if one of you is giving a “big ticket” gift like a trip, laptop, tablet, or mobile phone.
The most obvious reason to discuss gifts is to potentially share costs for items that will be transported back and forth between homes. If a child is to be given a tablet or laptop, it may make sense to share in the cost of same with your co-parent. A mobile phone makes a great gift, but it can be a source of contention, especially if both parents are not in agreement on parental controls, usage rules, and so forth.
Making joint decisions about expensive gifts like laptops, tablets, and mobile phones can help to keep holiday co-parenting scenarios more amicable.
4: Know who may be visiting for the holidays. While we want to spend the holidays with our children, it is also important to acknowledge and encourage their relationships with members of their extended family as well. Consider discussing modifications to the parenting plan when the kids have a chance to spend time with family members who they don’t normally get to see very often.
5: Know that you can make any day special. Despite our best efforts, sometimes we may need to celebrate the holidays with our loved ones at a different time. It’s important to remember why we get together at the holidays and let that inspire us to make the time we do get together to be just as special. On some level, we all acknowledge that it can be difficult to celebrate the actual day of a holiday with our loved ones. When we’re children, usually those children with summer birthdays get to pick a day during the school year to celebrate their birthday in school because otherwise they wouldn’t get the opportunity. We also often celebrate birthdays on weekends if the day occurs during the week, simply because it gives us time to have a party that we otherwise couldn’t during the week. It is important to always remember that just because you did not celebrate the actual holiday with your children, your eventual celebration will be no less special.
It’s possible for you and your kids to enjoy the holidays, even after a divorce or separation and, like most things in life, it requires compromise and communication. If you have had any issues with your holiday parenting plan in the past or if you do not have a holiday plan at all, please contact the experienced attorneys at Weinstein Family Law to assist you with your holiday parenting planning.
