April is National Stress Awareness Month, but anyone currently facing work- or family-related stress hardly needs a reminder, or a full month to be even more aware of it, thank you very much. That is especially true for those in the midst of legal actions in family court. In fact, most of us would prefer to be less aware of our stress, and yet it is natural to be drawn to information intended to help manage stress. The internet is littered with listicles that promise relief if we simply meditate for 5 minutes, walk in a park, or take a relaxing bath. However, for some of us, this sort of advice only further activates our racing minds to soak in our worries, just as much as our bodies do in lavender bubble bath.
The National Institutes of Health Office of Research on Women’s Health advises individuals to “Recognize and counter signs of stress” as the first of their 7 Steps to Manage Stress and Build Resilience. Anyone going through a divorce can point to stress stemming from the actions of a soon-to-be-ex-spouse, weighty financial concerns, or delays in the court system, but these are not the only weights that can wrap around our ankles to drag us under. Sometimes, stress during a divorce is triggered by the other people in your life who, with the best of intentions, stir up your thoughts with negativity or anxiety.
With a nod to National Stress Awareness Month, we offer these Three Hidden Divorce Stressors to help you recognize what may stress you as you proceed with the divorce process.
1. “The Street Lawyer”: It is becoming more and more common for individuals to have a friend or family member who has been through the divorce process. It is only natural to seek these people out because you might think, “After all, they’ve been divorced and seem to be doing all right, so they must be able to help in ways that my lawyer can’t.” However, every divorce is unique, and sometimes these previously divorced friends and family members can do more harm than good. Your divorce is not their divorce. Maybe their divorce dragged on for months or maybe it was over and done with more quickly; their timeframes do not mean that yours will match up. Constantly comparing ourselves and our situations to others is to simply invite frustration and stress as we worry about why our matter is not proceeding as our friends’ or family members’ did. And the legal landscape can change. An experienced divorce attorney will help guide you through your divorce based on the laws today, not the law when your aunt’s friend got divorced 10 years ago.
2. “The Problem Solver”: A few years ago, I was watching an episode of “Modern Family” with my dad. One scene featured spouses Phil and Claire fighting and Phil sought an ally in a relative — Gloria. To Phil’s surprise, Gloria sided with Claire and advised Phil with words to the effect of “she does not want you to solve her problem, she wants you to listen.” Phil, fortunately, took the advice to heart, and when Claire next vents to him about a problem, instead of offering her a solution, he simply replies: “That must be so frustrating.” Claire lets out her breath and her relief is visible in her facial expression. The point here is that as you go through the divorce process, try to surround yourself with friends and family members who will let you vent without telling you their opinion about everything that you should be doing instead. Remember: You have your attorney to solve your problems and your friends to let you vent.
3. “The Researcher”: We all do it. As soon as we start to notice something strange with our bodies, off to WebMD we go, and after hours of “doomscrolling,” we manage to convince ourselves of a dire diagnosis. People often make the same mistake during their divorce, turning to the internet to do their own digging rather than asking their attorneys all of the questions on their minds. Perhaps they are afraid to appear foolish by asking certain questions of their attorney, but while it is good to arm oneself with knowledge, Google results cannot replace your attorney’s experience and counsel. Most matrimonial cases are not published on the internet or are not accessible to the general public. An experienced divorce attorney not only has access to an abundance of personal knowledge, but also to the most advanced databases of case law, statutes, and court rules that affect your particular divorce. That case you found that you think supports your argument may have been overturned on appeal, superseded by later case law, or no longer be binding precedent on the court. What appear to be relevant forms you found may be outdated because they came from a website that has not been updated for years, or new directives from the Administrative Office of the Courts might require new forms and procedures. Your divorce attorney is there to help you and to answer any questions that you may have; you should always feel at ease asking them to explain anything about the divorce process to reduce your stress.
The process of a divorce can be stressful — there is no getting around that — but the attorneys at Weinstein Family Law have the experience and compassion to help mitigate that stress. Please feel free to contact our office for assistance in navigating the divorce process.
